It feels goooood.
It feels much better than the beat-up manila folder which holds the only other current draft of the book. Looking at it, I could actually believe that someone might give me money to take it home with them. It makes my head a little swirly.
It is also a little surreal.
I mean, that beaten-up pile of pages held together by a monster binder clip represents a work, more specifically, a work in progress. The book is, well, a book. It's done. It's all it can be.
This shouldn't bother me. I've completed another novel and have begun edits on a third novel since I sent Liz out to the first editor that rejected it. I am so done with writing this book.
But that loud Editor's voice is still hollering in the cage in the back of my mind, "What if???" Then she rattles the cage bars and bangs her cup against the floor. She's quite noisy.
She is right that the proof needs to be gone over carefully, at the very least to clean up any random orphans (single lines/words on a page), and other formatting things that will make the book scream "SELF-PUBLISHED BY A HACK." I'd prefer to avoid the "hack" part of it. But I'm not re-writing the book at this stage.
The other scary part of the proof is that once the physical book is done, I still need to launch/promote it. I'm still figuring that part out. But one part of that is to put myself out there and attach ME to the book.
You know the Editor in her cage? Her sister, Ms. Self-Doubt has a cage behind the editor. I try never to let her out, but, fuck, she is even louder than the Edtior.
"What if your book doesn't sell? What if it's an embarassment? What if people laugh at you for even trying this? You are so pathetically grandiose. What a fraud."
The Editor I can ignore until I need her. Ms. Self-Doubt has the ability to crush me into inaction. However, the answer to all her criticism and fear mongering is the same:
What's the worst that could happen?
- I'm embarassed.
- I lose a little money.
- I learn something.
What's the best that could happen?
- I'm celebrated.
- I make lots of money.
- I learn something.
*holds nose and dives in*